Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
