im drinking this country out of the recession.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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