if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
