you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
