His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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