There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
