I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
