you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
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I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
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I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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