my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
