I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
