i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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