nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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