Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
