In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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