Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
