birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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