I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
