i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i was born a porn star she said
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
