I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
