I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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