I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
