This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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