So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
