So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My vagina is officially offended.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
