i would punch a child for taco bell
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
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