Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
