Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
