Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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