Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
