Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
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we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
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The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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