Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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