I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
