Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
