Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
