im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
