these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
