If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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