You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
