this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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