Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
