I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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