My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
