I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
