Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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