My friends, they love my intelligence
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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