Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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