u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
