life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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