guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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