1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
