My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
