i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
