she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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