I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
there was a trapeze. enough said
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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