I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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