i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
