listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
