Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
